I can’t see how they lose.
1. Chicago: Schwartz beat them twice last year. Cutler’s still hungover from the 4th of July. Marshall can’t find his green shoes, so he sits out, and Matt Forte puts up solid but unspectacular numbers and does nothing in crunch time. 1-0
2. Fins: Fuck them, they suck. 2-0
3. Chargers: Also suck, fuck them. Poor Richard’s AlmanacK says it’ll be super windy (trust me) and they got no ground game plus a mylar balloon blows into a transformer and the Bolts cant get their signals in via radio and have no backup plan but the Bills are so in sync the only have to make eye contact to get plays in. Bills run all over them like these run-on sentences. 3-0
4. Texans: Don’t have a QB. The one they draft will have injured himself and/or will suck and Fitz will start and will be driving under 2 mins left but throws a pick and Thad comes in to kneel down, showing Fitz what a Bills backup is s’posed do. At least he got the wings right. 4-0
5. Lions: Lions suck. Schwartz will beat them. Gilmore shuts down Megatron and begins being mentioned in same breath as Revis and Sherman. 5-0
6. Patriots*: Brady has been hurt since week 1 and Ryan Mallet got benched in week 3. Pats* are 0-5. Tom Savage gets eaten alive by Spikes, literally. Belicheat signs Flutie at halftime and spends the second half having him unexpectedly punt on random downs. It actually results in TD for them but Bills still win 31-7. 6-0
7. Vikings: They suck. AP runs for 200 yards but so do Bills and EJ scores on a read option keeper to win while all of WNY is screaming, “GET DOWN EJ! SLIDE! SLIDE!” 7-0
8. Jets: Fuck them. They fucking suck so bad. 8-0
9. Bye: Jets still suck.
10. Chiefs: They are good but cant win in B LO unless Tuel is starting so actually they suck. Bills are 9-0 and rollin. Sorry Jeff, but you look like someone who dressed up as a QB for Halloween.
11. Dolphins: Still suck real bad. Richie Incognito re-signed with them and bets on the Bills and “lets” 99 and KW eat up the inside. He has such fond memories of his time playing here that it was easy for the Buffalo Mafia to persuade him. No, not the #BillsMafia, the actual mob. RI gets caught after the fact but game still counts bc obviously everyone knew the Bills would win anyway since they’re 9-0 and the Dolphins fucking suck. 10-0
12. Surprise! Jets still suck. Eric Decker has more rushing yards than Chris Johnson does on the year and Rex Ryan doesn’t even bother standing on the sideline. He just sits in a beach chair and listens to old Oilers games on a cassette walkman. 11-0
13. Browns started strong but are actually garbage. Pettine installed an amazing defense but Josh Gordon has been suspended along with Johnny Fucking Football. Jordan Cameron is hurt so Hoyer can’t throw to anyone except the ghost of Trent Richardson. Bills win 3-0 in classic fashion. 12-0
14. UH OH! Bills play Broncos who are actually good but again I’ve consulted Poor Dick’s ballsacK (or whatever I made up earlier) and EL NIÑO shits on Mile High. Elway regrets letting go of Moreno since Monte Ball coughs it up 3 times in a brutal snowstorm and Bills capitalize and win. They were 12-0 so it’s not like anyone thought they’d lose anyway. Except the books in Vegas which take the biggest loss in history. 13-0
15. LOOK OUT! Here comes another good team- and this game gets flexed to primetime. It’s another snowstorm but Bills fans set fires in the stands and some flames reach the tunnel. Aaron Rodgers singes his butch mustache and refuses to play. In an odd show of sportsmanship, EJ sits out and Thad comes in runs the read option exclusively. GB still has no D. Bills control the clock and win 28-10. 14 wins ZERO losses.
16. Raiders fucking suck, come on. Bills agree to play USC instead so the fans can watch a more competitive game. 15-0
17. Winless Pats* meet undefeated Bills in regular season finale. After the failed Flutie experiment, Belicheat brought Tebow back. Brandon Spikes suplexes him during the coin toss. The sky opens up, and the Angel of Mercy carries Tebow away and ends his earthly suffering. Flutie is back but gets so spun around he thinks he’s back on the Bills and throws a Hail Mary to Aaron Williams who returns it for a TD. Game over. Season over. Bills 16-0 and geriatric former Dolphins weep into their champagne buckets.
Divisional Round: Bills smoke STEELERS (shocker). EJ gets his revenge for last year’s dud.
AFC Championship: Denver comes to town for a rematch. Same story. Too cold and windy for Peyton. Papa John discontinues chicken wing sales.
SUPER BOWL: Throwback to the 90s matchup that never was… NINERS
Berman has a stroke as he’s finally vindicated. Buffalo expats in AZ make this a home game. BUDDY NIX is also vindicated, for passing on Kaepernick for Aaron Williams when AW sets the tone for the game with a strip sack that #1 overall pick Jadeveon Clowney returns for a TD on the opening play.
Bills never look back and cruise to easy victory. EJ is MVP 19-25 301 yds 2 passing TDs and one rushing TD for good measure. Bills climb the stands to the luxury suites to present Mary Wilson with Lombardi Trophy but we all miss the celebration in Phoenix because we are driving cars off the Skyway into Canalside and/or parachuting into Niagara Square chugging Gordio.
Can’t fucking wait.