Why The Bills Suck

Dear Drew,

I hope this reaches you in time. Thanks for including me and my buddies in last year’s “Why the Bills Suck.” We’re the “poor people” in the tailgate video.

First off, I don’t think the Bills will suck this year, which is precisely part and parcel to why the Bills actually do suck.

While seemingly never totally bottoming out, the Russ Brandon PR machine is able to sell the idea that a couple personnel moves and a triennial coaching carousel is enough to push the Bills over the hump of mediocrity. Plenty of fans (myself included) fall for it hook, line, and sinker, because it’s more fun to be optimistic than it is to carry on with the “realistic” fatalistic cloud of moroseness encompassing a permanently snake bitten franchise. Especially considering that same cloud of moroseness hovers over a city whose greatest contributions to society include two of the most boring Presidents in history, the quintessential blueprint for suburban sprawl (read: white flight), and the smothering of kitchen scraps in hot sauce.

Without much else going on in Buffalo, it’s baffling that the team struggles to sell out games. They have the lowest average ticket price in the entire league, yet the supposedly rabid fan base can’t be bothered to show up. Probably because those low ticket prices entice drunken revelers who would be damned if the Bills shitty performance will ruin their good time. (Guilty as charged.) These revelers scare away the “cultivated” fans who bitch and moan about the unfriendly family experience. If you think your kid might be scarred by seeing a couple drunks and hearing a few f-bombs, you might need to work a little more on your own influence as a parent.

Then there are the tightwad “sophisticated” fans who refuse to buy tickets until “Ralph shows he’s committed to winning,” while subscribing to a narrative that dictates Ralph never has nor will commit to winning, and any success is a fluke and/or fleeting. Saying, “I’ll only support a winner,” is the epitome of bandwagon fandom, yet those same assholes will point to the albatross of Bills suffering as proof “we” are superior to those “fair-weather Pats fans who can’t name 5 starters.”

Of course, to counterbalance the miserable doom and gloomers, there is the #BillsMafia. They are responsible for the organized crime of unbridled enthusiasm coupled with creative excuse making. I’m a homer and an apologist, but the Mafia takes zealotry to a level previously only reached by fundamentalist religious sects and the Tea Party movement (but I repeat myself). They actively harass both national and local reporters who are even marginally critical of the Bills, masquerading as righteous defenders of an infallible deity. Yet, they’ll flip on coaches and players faster than Marquise Goodwin’s 40 time. Ask them about Chan Gailey and Fitzpatrick now.

Thankfully, the Bills now have EJ “Upside” Manuel and “Teach Me How to Dougie” Marrone. It’s obvious Marrone is familiar with the Bills penchant for fellatio, as evidenced by this shot of him demonstrating the proper way to suck.


“If you’re not using two hands, you better find a bigger dick.”  Photo Credit: Bill Wippert

This has become rather longwinded, but it’d be irresponsible of me not to close with the #1 reason the Bills suck: The city and all things related are cursed. Some unseen cosmic force ultimately neutralizes anything remotely considered as positive. The franchise’s best player in history is known as a murderer. The Bills go to 4 Super Bowls in a row, but are remembered as a punch line. CJ Spiller looks poised to have an incredible year, so I’m half expecting he gets swallowed up by a sinkhole Week 15 in Jacksonville.

The best thing that ever happened to the Bills was Donald Trump running the USFL into the ground. If the Bills ever do win a championship, it will most definitely be due to someone else’s incompetence. There’s no way they’ll ever do it on their own. I will most likely party myself to death upon a Bills Super Bowl victory, so I won’t have to bear witness to the inevitable vacating of said victory by something so embarrassing that Bills fans would rather be caught masturbating by their grandmother everyday for the rest of their lives.

Truly yours,