19-0

I can’t see how they lose.

1. Chicago: Schwartz beat them twice last year. Cutler’s still hungover from the 4th of July. Marshall can’t find his green shoes, so he sits out, and Matt Forte puts up solid but unspectacular numbers and does nothing in crunch time. 1-0Image
2. Fins: Fuck them, they suck. 2-0
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3. Chargers: Also suck, fuck them. Poor Richard’s AlmanacK says it’ll be super windy (trust me) and they got no ground game plus a mylar balloon blows into a transformer and the Bolts cant get their signals in via radio and have no backup plan but the Bills are so in sync the only have to make eye contact to get plays in. Bills run all over them like these run-on sentences. 3-0
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4. Texans: Don’t have a QB. The one they draft will have injured himself and/or will suck and Fitz will start and will be driving under 2 mins left but throws a pick and Thad comes in to kneel down, showing Fitz what a Bills backup is s’posed do. At least he got the wings right. 4-0
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5. Lions: Lions suck. Schwartz will beat them. Gilmore shuts down Megatron and begins being mentioned in same breath as Revis and Sherman. 5-0
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6. Patriots*: Brady has been hurt since week 1 and Ryan Mallet got benched in week 3. Pats* are 0-5. Tom Savage gets eaten alive by Spikes, literally. Belicheat signs Flutie at halftime and spends the second half having him unexpectedly punt on random downs. It actually results in TD for them but Bills still win 31-7. 6-0
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7. Vikings: They suck. AP runs for 200 yards but so do Bills and EJ scores on a read option keeper to win while all of WNY is screaming, “GET DOWN EJ! SLIDE! SLIDE!” 7-0
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8. Jets: Fuck them. They fucking suck so bad. 8-0
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9. Bye: Jets still suck.
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10. Chiefs: They are good but cant win in B LO unless Tuel is starting so actually they suck. Bills are 9-0 and rollin. Sorry Jeff, but you look like someone who dressed up as a QB for Halloween.
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11. Dolphins: Still suck real bad. Richie Incognito re-signed with them and bets on the Bills and “lets” 99 and KW eat up the inside. He has such fond memories of his time playing here that it was easy for the Buffalo Mafia to persuade him. No, not the #BillsMafia, the actual mob. RI gets caught after the fact but game still counts bc obviously everyone knew the Bills would win anyway since they’re 9-0 and the Dolphins fucking suck. 10-0
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12. Surprise! Jets still suck. Eric Decker has more rushing yards than Chris Johnson does on the year and Rex Ryan doesn’t even bother standing on the sideline. He just sits in a beach chair and listens to old Oilers games on a cassette walkman. 11-0
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13. Browns started strong but are actually garbage. Pettine installed an amazing defense but Josh Gordon has been suspended along with Johnny Fucking Football. Jordan Cameron is hurt so Hoyer can’t throw to anyone except the ghost of Trent Richardson. Bills win 3-0 in classic fashion. 12-0
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14. UH OH! Bills play Broncos who are actually good but again I’ve consulted Poor Dick’s ballsacK (or whatever I made up earlier) and EL NIÑO shits on Mile High. Elway regrets letting go of Moreno since Monte Ball coughs it up 3 times in a brutal snowstorm and Bills capitalize and win. They were 12-0 so it’s not like anyone thought they’d lose anyway. Except the books in Vegas which take the biggest loss in history. 13-0
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15. LOOK OUT! Here comes another good team- and this game gets flexed to primetime. It’s another snowstorm but Bills fans set fires in the stands and some flames reach the tunnel. Aaron Rodgers singes his butch mustache and refuses to play. In an odd show of sportsmanship, EJ sits out and Thad comes in runs the read option exclusively. GB still has no D. Bills control the clock and win 28-10. 14 wins ZERO losses.
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16. Raiders fucking suck, come on. Bills agree to play USC instead so the fans can watch a more competitive game. 15-0
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17. Winless Pats* meet undefeated Bills in regular season finale. After the failed Flutie experiment, Belicheat brought Tebow back. Brandon Spikes suplexes him during the coin toss. The sky opens up, and the Angel of Mercy carries Tebow away and ends his earthly suffering. Flutie is back but gets so spun around he thinks he’s back on the Bills and throws a Hail Mary to Aaron Williams who returns it for a TD. Game over. Season over. Bills 16-0 and geriatric former Dolphins weep into their champagne buckets.
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Divisional Round: Bills smoke STEELERS (shocker). EJ gets his revenge for last year’s dud.
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AFC Championship:  Denver comes to town for a rematch. Same story. Too cold and windy for Peyton. Papa John discontinues chicken wing sales.
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SUPER BOWL:  Throwback to the 90s matchup that never was… NINERS
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Berman has a stroke as he’s finally vindicated. Buffalo expats in AZ make this a home game. BUDDY NIX is also vindicated, for passing on Kaepernick for Aaron Williams when AW sets the tone for the game with a strip sack that #1 overall pick Jadeveon Clowney returns for a TD on the opening play.
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Bills never look back and cruise to easy victory. EJ is MVP 19-25 301 yds 2 passing TDs and one rushing TD for good measure. Bills climb the stands to the luxury suites to present Mary Wilson with Lombardi Trophy but we all miss the celebration in Phoenix because we are driving cars off the Skyway into Canalside and/or parachuting into Niagara Square chugging Gordio.
Can’t fucking wait.

Why The Bills Suck

Dear Drew,

I hope this reaches you in time. Thanks for including me and my buddies in last year’s “Why the Bills Suck.” We’re the “poor people” in the tailgate video.

First off, I don’t think the Bills will suck this year, which is precisely part and parcel to why the Bills actually do suck.

While seemingly never totally bottoming out, the Russ Brandon PR machine is able to sell the idea that a couple personnel moves and a triennial coaching carousel is enough to push the Bills over the hump of mediocrity. Plenty of fans (myself included) fall for it hook, line, and sinker, because it’s more fun to be optimistic than it is to carry on with the “realistic” fatalistic cloud of moroseness encompassing a permanently snake bitten franchise. Especially considering that same cloud of moroseness hovers over a city whose greatest contributions to society include two of the most boring Presidents in history, the quintessential blueprint for suburban sprawl (read: white flight), and the smothering of kitchen scraps in hot sauce.

Without much else going on in Buffalo, it’s baffling that the team struggles to sell out games. They have the lowest average ticket price in the entire league, yet the supposedly rabid fan base can’t be bothered to show up. Probably because those low ticket prices entice drunken revelers who would be damned if the Bills shitty performance will ruin their good time. (Guilty as charged.) These revelers scare away the “cultivated” fans who bitch and moan about the unfriendly family experience. If you think your kid might be scarred by seeing a couple drunks and hearing a few f-bombs, you might need to work a little more on your own influence as a parent.

Then there are the tightwad “sophisticated” fans who refuse to buy tickets until “Ralph shows he’s committed to winning,” while subscribing to a narrative that dictates Ralph never has nor will commit to winning, and any success is a fluke and/or fleeting. Saying, “I’ll only support a winner,” is the epitome of bandwagon fandom, yet those same assholes will point to the albatross of Bills suffering as proof “we” are superior to those “fair-weather Pats fans who can’t name 5 starters.”

Of course, to counterbalance the miserable doom and gloomers, there is the #BillsMafia. They are responsible for the organized crime of unbridled enthusiasm coupled with creative excuse making. I’m a homer and an apologist, but the Mafia takes zealotry to a level previously only reached by fundamentalist religious sects and the Tea Party movement (but I repeat myself). They actively harass both national and local reporters who are even marginally critical of the Bills, masquerading as righteous defenders of an infallible deity. Yet, they’ll flip on coaches and players faster than Marquise Goodwin’s 40 time. Ask them about Chan Gailey and Fitzpatrick now.

Thankfully, the Bills now have EJ “Upside” Manuel and “Teach Me How to Dougie” Marrone. It’s obvious Marrone is familiar with the Bills penchant for fellatio, as evidenced by this shot of him demonstrating the proper way to suck.

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“If you’re not using two hands, you better find a bigger dick.”  Photo Credit: Bill Wippert

This has become rather longwinded, but it’d be irresponsible of me not to close with the #1 reason the Bills suck: The city and all things related are cursed. Some unseen cosmic force ultimately neutralizes anything remotely considered as positive. The franchise’s best player in history is known as a murderer. The Bills go to 4 Super Bowls in a row, but are remembered as a punch line. CJ Spiller looks poised to have an incredible year, so I’m half expecting he gets swallowed up by a sinkhole Week 15 in Jacksonville.

The best thing that ever happened to the Bills was Donald Trump running the USFL into the ground. If the Bills ever do win a championship, it will most definitely be due to someone else’s incompetence. There’s no way they’ll ever do it on their own. I will most likely party myself to death upon a Bills Super Bowl victory, so I won’t have to bear witness to the inevitable vacating of said victory by something so embarrassing that Bills fans would rather be caught masturbating by their grandmother everyday for the rest of their lives.

Truly yours,

FLAP